Addicted to Love?

Are you? Addicted to love, wanting to live in the world of romance every day? In the world of romance, problems may be huge, but there is always a strong, competent hero to solve them. Maybe he’ll cut through all opposition with a Scottish claymore. Maybe he’ll pierce his opponent with the brilliantly executed thrust of an epée in a duel. Or maybe he’ll make his dramatic checkmate move in a corporate boardroom, or on the floor of the U.S. Senate, or piloting a secret agency helicopter. Wherever a romance heroine faces danger, the hero is nearby, soon to arrive to save her, Or, in our newly more equal urban fantasy world, to help her save the day. Strong heroines, weak heroines, and everyday heroines, they’re all ideal women to romance heroes. These amazing men love us. Wow. Do you need some of this every day, just to get through your day? Just a peek at the new book, maybe just one chapter, only a little more.... oops, where did the hours go? If that’s you, then you’re addicted to love. You need that high of dipping into a world in which good things happen to good people, justice triumphs, wrongs are righted, ambitions are fulfilled, love is rewarded with love returned, lost relatives are found, cranky relatives are softened, babies are born perfect, and kids of all ages pass through their annoying phases and start doing their chores. And where, most of all, there is a special someone who loves the heroine wholeheartedly, who of course is you. At least for as long as you’re existing in the world of the book. This is not a dangerous addiction, not exactly. Luxuriating in the world of romance doesn’t mean you’re not firmly based in reality. It’s not a waste of your time, either, although I have met people who think all fiction is a waste of time. They’re wrong, of course. Entering the world of romance is refreshing, invigorating, and most of all life-affirming. Yes, I know that some romances are full of tears and misery, and others rife with dripping blood and challenging power dynamics amongst otherworldly creatures. And some romances just seem incredibly frivolous. Regardless, romances have happy endings, and that’s the point. In a romance, a problem will be articulated, lived through, and resolved. The reader (that’s you) is left with a rosy inner glow, a certainty that everything can work out for the best, that people will communicate, and that the world is basically a good place. These are important certainties to have, because it is mostly attitude that affects our experience of day-to-day life. The more positive we are, the more positively the world responds to us. Many people are going through tough times in our society at any given moment, and it’s easy to look around the world and see lots of reasons to feel hopeless. Reading a romance reinforces optimism. Reading a romance will not make you sit in the front parlor waiting for a knight in shining armor to ride up to the door and fix your life. Instead, because reading a romance shows you that many seemingly impossible odds can be beaten, to some degree it’s a primer on how to motivate yourself to act. Or to keep on acting. Because life is going to be happy after all. Of course you might say this is hogwash. Such a quaint old American term for nonsense. But think about it for a minute. The world inside a romance looks and feels like the real world, only the issues are clearer, and so are the solutions. They aren’t much different in spirit from the stories of real-life individuals that are peppered throughout self-help or self-improvement nonfiction books. But in a romance, you follow the story intimately, getting to experience the problems and the solutions (and let’s face it, the great sex, too) as if the heroine is you. Given that, it’s not surprising that when the happy ending occurs, the reader of a romance feels happy, too. It’s not so bad to be addicted to love.

Dont Miss This Romantic Connection

Have you ever read the “Missed Connections” ads in a newspaper or online zine—or even on Craigslist? In these ads, lonesome singles (well, we hope they’re single, anyway) describe seeing someone in a public place and not having the nerve to approach the attractive stranger. Or having approached and said a few impersonal words, not having the nerve to ask outright for a date. Now, not one but two dating services, as reported in the NY Times, have come up with a gimmick to ease the social awkwardness and make the romantic connection happen. For a small membership fee or the price of a pack of business cards (around $25), the person is supplied with cards that hint at or boldly announce their interest. The idea is to carry the cards, and if you see someone you’d like to make a connection with, you give the stranger the card—and then exit, so you don’t have to face immediate rejection. The card has some cutesy comment on it and an Internet address at which you may be contacted. Sounds pretty good to me. Aren’t we all looking for a fail-safe method of dating? Don’t most of us want a comfortable way of meeting new people? Not to mention the relaxing idea of experiencing social companionship without having to turn ourselves inside out and become “life of the party” personality types. (Because we most of us aren’t, after all.) I used to work with a young woman who would meet men in bars and give them her business card with her real name on it and her contact info. Today, no one would think that wise behavior. These new dating agencies have it covered. Their flirty cards include impersonal contact info through the dating service’s Internet site. Stalkers need not apply. Of course, the one drawback to this method is that now, instead of just gazing at the handsome or beautiful stranger from afar, and comfortably yearning later over a missed opportunity, you have to follow through. It’s your job to walk over to the person and hand that person your dating card with its cute message. The scary part is that you might see a negative expression on that person’s face as you approach. The good part is that since this is a hit-and-run job, you don’t have to linger to see it. You give the person the card, or in the case of a restaurant, you could put it at the person’s plate. Then you skedaddle. Another option is to have a friend or a waiter deliver it, of course, but the point of the cards is to hand them out yourself. Just the act of delivering the card is flirtatious. You’ve started something. You might go over acting all demure, or you might go for flamboyant, but whatever, you’ve made it clear—as one of the printed cards says—that you are hitting on that person. Yet at the same time, you have made it fun for yourself. (And for the other person.) You’ve been daring, but you didn’t hang around long enough to be rejected. Plus, the object of your interest isn’t confronted with something a little too symbolic—like the classic drink sent over—when that person may not be the instant decision or commitment type. It’s safer on both sides. I like this idea. While it might not be suitable to give a card to someone who is obviously enjoying dinner with a spouse, this is game-playing that is just right when one is young, single, and looking. Or older, single, and looking. It could even be adapted by people hoping to make friends, not romantic connections. (Is there anyone like that, really?) It sounds so much better than speed dating, in which you can get rejected by a dozen people in a mere hour. When speed dating first started, it seemed like a great idea, efficient. But it takes all the joy out of making contact with a new person. It’s like doing instant job interviews back to back, with a timer. Even movie stars find it difficult to gracefully mouth the best words to describe themselves and their latest projects over and over to the press, and essentially, that’s what speed dating requires. Few of us have the rote skills of trained actors. What’s perhaps most interesting about this dating card idea is that it allows you to get at least partway over the hump of unrealistic yearnings for a person only seen from afar or only spoken to for a few seconds. It gets you moving to the next logical step, settling for someone who is not actually perfect. You may wonder how I can characterize approaching someone you’ve already idealized in a few seconds or minutes be anything like settling. I think it is because the mere act of connecting brings your behavior down to human proportions. The problem with fantasy is that it has an overblown beginning and an overblown ending but no middle. The beauty of using dating cards is they launch you straight into the middle of your story, which after all is the best part of any romance.